I normally wake up hating Tuesdays but today was different. Out with the old and in with the new, I suppose…or maybe I just had a good night’s rest. In any case, Happy New Year. I was thinking about how fast 2016 came and went and that shit is depressing. Last year was a roller-coaster ride for sure but we made it. It’s crazy how much you change in a year’s time. I never really notice until the beginning of the New Year – I tend to do a lot of self-reflection then. At 11:30 in the evening on December 31, 2015, I wrote a letter to my future wife on my iPhone in the ‘notes’ section. I was Drakey as fuck that New Year’s Eve. About three months later, that iPhone screen shattered & I had to get a new phone. The universe has a twisted sense of humor. Anyway, I say all this to say…change happens (thank God). I don’t do the whole “new year, new me” thing. I’ve always felt too old to change something about my personality. Plus, I’ll feel like I’m faking my attitude or the way I move by trying to be a different me (which I won’t be able to do, I’m a poor actor). But, I do think I should operate differently this year…or just in general.
I can’t remember the last time my mind didn’t operate at the rate that it does. I’m always thinking 1,000 miles an hour and I think I’m finally out of breath. If you know me, you’d know that you can’t really know me. But if you kinda know me, I suffer from fake chronic depression. It’s not hard to make me over-ponder. I’m actually the king of overthinking shit, it’s ridiculous. But over the years, I think I’ve let it consume me. This ultimately fucks with my day-to-day. Don’t feel bad, I’m not really diagnosed with this – but I do want to take the steps to overcome my mental dilemma. I’ve came to the conclusion that I’ve stopped choosing myself.
It’s in me to be giving and understanding of others. I’m no Jesus Christ and I actually hate self-praise but I have a huge heart. I forgive easily and give almost everyone the benefit of the doubt. I was raised to possess these qualities. Like most things, everything should be done in moderation. Of course, that’s my downfall. I’m a bit too understanding of others…too giving at times. I still don’t think it’s a bad thing but I do think it’s healthy to be occasionally selfish. In the midst of all this, I’m left stagnant. I dream big. I foresee where I want to be in years to come but this whole vision gets fuzzy when I’m busy worrying about how others might feel because they may have misunderstood me. Some days I don’t give a fuck but most days I do. It’s human nature.
Anyway, for 2017 and hopefully onward, I plan on making it my selfish year(s). Figured I’d document my thought process since they say you remember things better when you write it down or whatever. I personally want to get in a good space and humbly conquer. And so I chose myself this time around. If you know me (which I hope you know a little now), you’d know my intentions are always good. I do fuck up sometimes (I’m sorry, truly) – but in ’17, I hope to not trip over that. But yeah, I’m starting to get writer’s block. But just so that we’re all winning this year, my advice from me to y’all:
- If something isn’t sitting well with you, sleep on it.
- The bad is never that bad.
- You can never go wrong with all black.